Game Misconduct Volume 1 Edition 6

4 Players Suspended For Fantasy Opener

BEDOINE, Iowa --- Fantasy Owner Ross Shnartick suspended several key players for his 1st week against SEC Fo' Life for what he felt was insubordination.
"My main suspension is Tom Brady," Shnartick said, "he sat the entire preseason because he was "hurt. I sent a letter to the Patriots demanding I see him in the 3rd preseason game before my draft so I could be certain what I was getting with the number 1 overall pick, but all I got back was an autographed card and a letter in which Brady referred to me as a 'cute kid.'"
Other players suspended included the entire Dallas Defense because "Pacman Jones shot somebody two years ago," "Clinton Portis for dressing up like a girl," and Terrell Owens for being a douche.


Michael Vick Demoted To Second String In Favor Of Rookie Manslaughter Convict

VICKSBURG, VA. --- Michael Vick was demoted today in favor of former 5 star QB recruit JaShawn Nickels, who arrived yesterday after being sentenced to 12 years for Manslaughter.
"It's an honor to play in front of a former NFL QB," Nickels said, "I honestly feel like accidentally killing that father of three was the best thing that could have happened to me."
Warden Stephen Gentles was thrilled to have JaShawn and said to look out for plays involving both stud QB's in the future.
"Our job is to get the best 11 athletes out on the field at the same time," Gentles said, "We may start playing Michael at WR or KR, you know so he's prepared for that one chance he may get when he gets out in 2010. We're hoping we can get him back in here for the 2011 season.
"There's a recruit right now that we're looking at acquiring that could sure up our defense, but he hasn't been convicted yet."


Tampa Bay Rays Forgot They Are Suppose To Suck

TAMPA BAY--- In the surprise of the MLB season the Tampa Bay Rays have not sucked.
"To be honest," said star Shortstop B.J. Upton, "we just kind of forgot our job was to go out and lose to Boston, New York and once in awhile pull out a win against Baltimore."
The Rays have put together quite the season after eclipsing seventy one wins earlier this year, their total number last season in the first week of August.
"We liked being home in October," said pitcher Scott Kazmir, "I'm not sure I'm going to enjoy having to work another month this year instead of watching the World Series at home to catch the new preview for 24 like usual I'll have to watch it online."
Several key members including Carl Crawford have already apologized to the compulsive gamblers who bet on Boston and New York to win the division.
"It sucks to hear how much money these guys lost because we are winning this year," said Crawford, "but when the teams you root for are as big douchebags as their fans, they had it coming."

5 Star Recruit Chooses To Play Basketball For University of Phoenix Online

LOYOLA, Md.--- 5-star basketball recruit Bluto Bornstein a 6'4'' guard who makes it rain like Pacman Jones in Las Vegas - that is to say shoots so accurately he can paralyze a man for life and walk away from the scene a free man -committed yesterday to the University of Phoenix Online.
"I feel it's the best place for me," said Bluto, "I can learn from a protected environment and get a degree that's nationally respected... in Italy, where I hope to play pro ball someday."
Coach Morgan Sally was elated.
"Most of the players we get are 40 year old men who are way past their prime, so to finally get an actual player means alot," said the Coach.
The University has had trouble fielding a team however as 11 of their players live a total of 5000 miles away from each other.
"We've tried to find a common gym near everyone but the most that gets us is 11 different guys flying to Kansas every other week to scrimmage a local high school team, but at least we're undefeated."