Game Misconduct Volume 1 Edition 5

Baseball To Use Instant Replay Because Robotic Umpires "Not Yet Ready"

NEW YORK--- On Tuesday Majore League Baseball announced that a deal had been reached between the umpires and players association to allow Instant Replay in stadiums to review questionable Home Run calls.
Unbeknownst to most, instant replay was second choice for Commissioner Bud Selig.
"We were hoping our Umpire 5000 would be ready by now so that we could get every call correct and in a timely manner, but alas we hit a major snag in that operation."
It turns out that Major League Baseball had accidentally concocted racist robotic umpires that never called white people safe.
"We programmed the umpires to analyze every facet of the batter and it turns out that the umpires believe all white people are slow, which is absurdly inaccurate and more offensive to me than any, I mean last night I finished in 30 seconds."
When asked what he finished in 30 seconds, Commissioner Selig got red in the face and told this reporter to forget anything was said.
Head Umpire Jim Bonaghy could not be reached for comment as he was getting his eyes checked.

Oakland Raiders 7th Round Pick Ends Holdout When Cut

OAKLAND--- 7th Round "sleeper" draft pick Richard Traverson out of West Harvard Middle State College at Peoria ended his holdout as serving GM and owner Al Davis cut him without even seeing him in practice.
"It's a sad day for Richard Traverson," said Richard Traverson, "He thought he was worth a cool 5 million a year and ownership felt he was worth about $12,000. Richard Traverson is sure he will sign on somewhere for his necessities."
"We tried to explain to him that not even Darren [McFadden] was going to be making that money but he wasn't having it," said Al Davis, "he kept droning on and on about how 'Richard Traverson has got a family to feed and what kind of Cadillac does 12,000$ buy Richard?"
This reporter made a call to Richard Traverson's agent only to get a surprising twist to the story: Richard Traverson served as his own agent.
"Richard Traverson's office, this is Richard Traverson speaking, how may he help you?" was the greeting this reporter was left with after several calls begging me to talk to him.
"My client is getting screwed," said Richard Traverson - the agent, not the player- "Richard Traverson did not get drafted number 223 overall just be dicked around by some guido in California, he is above that. Richard needs to support his balla-riffic lifestyle.. and his family"
Richard Traverson's family could not be reached, as it is impossible to interview fake people.

Little League World Series Star Pitcher Busted For Steroids

HAVANA--- Cuba's star 12-year-old pitcher Juanito Cortezo tested positive for 15 banned substances ending his seemingly short LLWS career after pitching 2 games, 14 innings allowing 0 hits, and striking out 42 batters while walking 1.
"I am sorry for my actions," said Juanito, "and for all the little children that idolized me, I should have taken that responsibility as seriously as my 13-year-old teammates."
Little League World Series Commissioner Dwight Grossman was astounded.
"I can't believe our sport has become so tainted. We tried our hardest to erradicate the throwing of games after the Santa Fe debacle of 2002 and now all of sudden we have guys juicing? I'm deeply saddened."
Looking back it should have been a little more obvious that the 6'5'' 234 lb. pitcher who reached top speeds of 150 mph... on his curveball was doing it with underhanded methods.
"In retrospect it should have been obvious," said Grossman, "on his questionnaire he listed cheating as a favorite activity and Barry Bonds as his favorite athlete."
Juanito's coach could not be reached because it was his B-pitcher's cycle time.

Fantasy Football Commissioner Pissed No First Round Picks Showed Up To Shake Hands

CANTON, South Dakota --- Fantasy Football Commissioner Ned Vance was upset with NFL stars after for the 5th straight year the 1st round picks all failed to show up to his league's draft to shake his hand and pose for the photo's.
"It hurts to realize that our league WoWFanz717172 doesn't get the recognition that some of these other leagues draft gets," said Vance after gathering all 4 owners for their annual draft held last Saturday at the local McDonald's.
"This is the biggest event in our little town every year and every year we are rejected by the "big" names to come and shake hands. This year we even promised Rex Grossman if he would just attend, he'd be the number 1 pick overall."
Rex didn't attend.
Ned spent most of Sunday using the town's computer typing up the teams to save him the hassle of having to remember everyone's picks.
"Now if only we could figure out a way to automatically score so I don't have to call in sick every Tuesday to tally the results."
The NFL stars who rejected the invitations to attend the draft could not be reached as they were off helping their communities.